Feeling Of Numbness

What is this feeling of numbness? What is the meaning of dispassion? What makes you hate the same things you loved the most? What repulsed you?
The last time you ate fried bananas, you loved it. So today again you ordered them. You awaited the ordered to be served. Then they arrived and you were going to relish them. You cut one piece and put it in your mouth and didn’t get any taste so you put in another piece. By the time you came to the third, you had complete disgust for that. You were revolted by the dish.
Similarly, you are awaiting the arrival of your best friend from his country. You haven’t seen him for a very long time. You expected fireworks. He was your dearest childhood friend. You greet him as a long lost friend and in less than one day, you regret having called him to stay over for a month. You wonder what went wrong. All the idiotic things he did earlier you admired those but now you hate the sight and resent the same stuff.
You always enjoyed making love to her. The act itself was pure magic. His touch created so much magic in your world. You could go in ecstasy for hours. The lingering taste left behind by lovemaking could make you whole day like a cakewalk. But today when she touched you, you singed. You felt as if some snake crawled over your body. You went through the act with complete boredom. You had absolutely no feeling for that itself. You felt impotent. Though you are the most aggressive person, you felt completely deflated. You hated the act itself.
You lived far away and to hear your mothers voice was so very comforting and you looked forward to the calls every week. But now you are trying so hard not to speak. You give multiple reasons not to talk. You seem to come up with all kinds of vague reasons not to have a conversation with her.
In all the above cases, the protagonist have reached the state of dispassion in life. Dispassion is a state where you can see the futility of that act itself. You start hating the same stuff you loved it so much earlier. You always thought you could live without them or that action but today the same repulsed you. So what made the difference? The futile actions that you seemed to do now lead you nowhere. It doesn’t give you satisfaction or happiness. The complete act itself has become so painful which had given you so much pleasure earlier.
This state of complete discontentment is very much a part of the spiritual domain. Welcome to the world of spirituality. The object which attracted you now repulsed you. It’s nothing new there. You feel absolutely helpless or devoid of any emotion. How the same object enchanted you now repulsed you.
You see all actions as futile. They do not give you any kind of prolonged happiness. Let’s see the four actions of earlier. The banana split created aversion. The same sugar which you craved was seemingly worthless. You realized that the same becomes shit and you don’t enjoy it anymore. What use is the food which doesn’t last more than a second in your mouth? Once it enters the gullet, the taste is lost. Same goes for all other tongue tingling stuffs.
Next you realize the friendship hadn’t created any happiness for you. He was lost in his own world and you in yours. Now nothing seems to be a common bond between the two of you. Your friendship was good in childhood but now nothing is the same. He runs after money and fame and talks all about it. You don’t like that. The common interests are no longer there. So you felt betrayed now.
The third act of making love was so repulsive that you wondered if everyone behaved like dogs what is the difference between humans and animals? We enjoy the dirtiest part of the human body and feel so satisfied. Imagine the pig rolling in dirt or the worm in shit enjoy the same. Sex is painful because we spend our lifetimes running after the thing which doesn’t pleasure us even for few seconds. We become exhausted and worn out so fast. Is that what we love?
You know your mother calls only because she feels lonely. It’s a dog eat dog world. The relationship is no longer worthwhile. What is there to talk every time? How are you and what did you do this week. It’s just so fruitless. You know she does it out of compulsion. You too talk out of forced respect. But you hate the sound of the phone when her number calls.
Spiritual teaches us how life is worthless by looking at it deeply. You then understand that there must be some deeper purpose in life for you. Not to roll in the muck and dirt of life.
Dispassion is the most important step in life which will tell you what you like or dislike are not worthy of it. You shouldn’t spend your life running after things which are worthless. You should move towards finding out the true purpose of life. You cannot come out of that state anyway. You let it be then. See what happens now. You know that you are surely going to find the mysteries of life. So move on.